School shootings have become routine here. Since thoughts, prayers, and bulletproof bookbags clearly aren’t doing enough, people have advocated for more safety measures to protect our children. No, not reducing access to guns — making sure that more gunned people are regularly in the classroom. We have a double negative approach to gun violence in this country. Sure school shootings are negative, but if you hire a person whose job is to shoot the school shooter, the negatives cancel out! Except in Uvalde, of course. And, as recent information from a security guard suit that’s come to light shows, it hasn’t worked in Michigan.
An armed Oxford High School security guard failed to stop a mass shooting that killed four students and injured seven others, thinking the attack was a drill and that one student was wearing “really good makeup” as he bled to death, a victim’s lawyer argued Wednesday…According to the guard’s LinkedIn profile, she retired after more than 28 years as a sheriff’s deputy and spent more than two years working at the high school before leaving in June.
Really? You’d think that a high school security guard with 28 years in the line of duty under their belt would be exactly the type of hero people advocating for good guys with guns would expect to prevent these issues. Where is the next place to move the goalpost? Make sure the cops turned security guards have at least 30 years of experience? Stop doing Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter and Evacuate (ALICE) drills to prepare kids for when their classmates go postal because the guardians can’t tell the difference between play play and life and death?
…What high level hybrid art is being offered as this high school that would make the “I confused a victim for a thespian” excuse even remotely plausible? Unless the art teacher clocked a few hours on the set of Evil Dead and the student spent the last few weeks really practicing their death rattle, cheese graters hold more water than this. I know we love our guns and that it’s blasphemy to throw dirt on the efficacy of our men and women in blue, but at what point do we call bullshit?
For future armed guards and teachers protecting students from their classmates and 18-year-olds with a point to prove, I leave you with this handy song lyric that should help you adequately identity crises when you find yourself in them:
Do your damned jobs.
Chris Williams became a social media manager and assistant editor for Above the Law in June 2021. Prior to joining the staff, he moonlighted as a minor Memelord™ in the Facebook group Law School Memes for Edgy T14s. He endured Missouri long enough to graduate from Washington University in St. Louis School of Law. He is a former boatbuilder who cannot swim, a published author on critical race theory, philosophy, and humor, and has a love for cycling that occasionally annoys his peers. You can reach him by email at firstname.lastname@example.org and by tweet at @WritesForRent.